A 1000 memories...

Quite a few questions cross my mind these days... 

Will Lila have enough memories of me when she grows up?

Will she have enough memories of her childhood?

Will she be interested in knowing small little details one tend to easily forget?

These questions bug me as I constantly try to remember from when I was little. For instance... I want to know if Lila and I had the same mannerisms, or does she reflex more of her dad? And often Lila's grannies can't answer these questions... Well, I don't really blame them, it is 32 years ago! But small little things interest me, and I would have loved to know... 

So, to stop that from happening to Lila one day I have started a "Memory Box" for her. In this box I will keep things like her first pair of shoes, her favorite toy, her first lock of hair... When I take photo's of her, I focus on the detail... a close up of her little toes, a close up of her bright, blue eyes... 

I also started a little note book for her. I treat it like a diary, but that doesn't mean I write in it every day. But in this book I am honest. I write about how I feel at that specific moment. I write about her development. New things she does, like noticing her feet for the first time, or rolling over onto her stomach for the first time...

Then some days I wonder if she will be able to read my blog when she has her first baby. Will cyber space allow it to "hang out" for 30 years or longer? How does these things work? How will technology play a role in something like this? 

It's like they say...

Time will tell...

And hopefully I would have been successful with the capturing of a 1000 memories...

SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!

Thanks to my maternity leave I have been spending some time at, which should have been home, but ended up in shopping malls, coffee shops and socializing with good friends... Which, in a way, is a good thing. I have rediscovered my love for shopping (sorry bank account!!!) and Lila is such a super cool shopping buddy. So I had this new idea: Whenever I find something awesome in the shops and I can afford to buy it, I will share my new find (hopefully it will be some awesome bargain) with you. You might just like it a lot!!!

So without keeping you waiting, I will start with this precious little wood crafted couple... I just couldn't resist (and I will probably say this every time after I have bought something), but look at this!!! I think... A perfect wedding gift, obviously to a couple who will appreciate the simplicity and art.

Shop: Blaauwklippen Wine Farm Family Market, Stellenbosch.

Our birth story...

It’s Monday morning, 25 June 2012. Our alarm just went off. It’s only 5 am. Funny how 5 am doesn't feel early at all today. Normally I would hate it to be awake so early. 

It’s difficult to explain how I feel at the moment, but if I have to elaborate, I would say it feels like I had to get up really early to go on a road trip - and I’ve been counting down the days until this morning... the morning my road trip starts...

I can have my last meal or drink just before 6 am, but to be quite honest, food is the last thing on my mind right now. Sarel makes me a cheese and Bovril toasted sandwich, but I have never struggled to get toast down my throat like I do this morning! Luckily the coffee goes down well.

It’s 5:30 am and breakfast is done. 7 am seems so far away! But to start getting ready right now would be really silly. The plan is to leave our house at 9 am.

The night wasn't peaceful at all. I couldn't find a comfortable position and my tummy felt extra big! 

It’s 6 am. Sarel went to lie down on the couch in front of the TV to get another few minutes of rest before we have to get up. I’m still in bed and wondering if he is asleep or thinking about the day ahead. I wonder if he is a little nervous. He seems extremely calm! I feel a bit stressed so I get up and take two rescue tablets. Hopefully it will calm my nerves just a little.

Yay! It’s finally 7:30 am and we’re up and getting ready! As I get dressed I realize that this will be my last morning of finding something big enough to fit over my belly. I will miss my bump even though it’s very uncomfortable right now. Should I feel sad or happy!?! I pack the last few things into my hospital bag... Hopefully I remembered everything! Lila's little hospital bag is also packed and ready... Flip, will our baby be wearing her little newborn clothes today? It feels so unreal! 

Before we leave our house Sarel and I take a few photos of: 1. Me and our hospital bags, and 2. Sarel with our hospital bags. It feels a bit silly... ha ha... photos with our hospital bags... Strange and funny!!! But we are so excited right now!!!

9 am... Our road trip to Stellenbosch feels extra long today. Although I have been traveling this road every day for the past 3 years, it feels like it’s the first time. My head is buzzing. I struggle to focus on anything specific. 

We arrive at the hospital. We sign in and a nurse shows us to my bed. Reality hits and tears roll down my cheeks!!! Everything feels too hectic to handle right now. Sarel holds me and promises that everything will be fine. Again I am reminded of the wonderful husband I have. I pull myself together. I need to be emotionally strong, for myself, and for Sarel as I don't know what is going on in his mind right now. Today, within a few hours, our lives will change and we don't know what to expect. 

Again minutes are dragging by and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I feel that the time has come. I am ready. I am ready to meet our baby girl. I get into a hospital gown. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror... Wow, I look MASSIVE!!! A nurse straps a monitor over my belly. The room is very quiet and all we hear is Lila's heart beat. This is so amazing! Her heart beats between 145 and 155 beats per minute. Eventually a nurse takes me to the theatre. 50% of me wants to run away right now, but 50% of me is also extremely excited and super happy!!! Sarel arrives in his own "nurse’s" outfit. I have to laugh... he looks very funny!!!

A few minutes go by before we enter the theatre. Obviously it seems very clinical, but for some reason it has a "warm", calming vibe. The bed is very narrow but quite comfortable. The anaesthesiologist explains the epidural to me. I have to admit, this is the one thing I have been dreading and flipping scared of, but luckily it goes well. I feel so relieved. Within a few minutes we will meet Lila!!!

They play music... Michael Buble... (!!!)... Urgh I don't like his music, but for the first time I really don't care about the music, but The Shins would have been a better choice... for me... he he... And for a few seconds I get flashbacks from scenes from Nip & Tuck, but no, I will not be getting boobs or lipo right now!!!

Dr Fazzler starts cutting. I am a little freaked out as I can feel exactly what he is doing!!! It takes me a few seconds to relax. Luckily I feel no pain. Wow, this is actually wonderful!!! Thank goodness for epidural!!! The anaesthesiologist explains every next move Dr Fazzler makes. I hear "cutting" sounds, but I try not to think too much right now. A c-section is super quick! I feel my body move and shake as they get Lila out, and after a few seconds Dr Fazzler lifts her up from behind my belly. It feels like a dream... or like I am watching a movie, but I am one of the characters, and nothing is "real"... The first thing I see is her extra long fingers! She is crying! I feel overwhelmed!!! I don't know what to do next... Should I touch her? Should I say something? Should I cry? Everything about her is so perfect and I struggle to realize that she is our baby girl, s-h-e  i-s  o-u-r  b-a-b-y  g-i-r-l... She is so beautiful!!! And quite big... Bigger than I have imagined she would be. And she has a lot of hair!!! I touch her head... it feels slimy, but I don't care. The pediatrician puts her into a little bath filled with luke warm water. She lies next to me, floating in the water with the pediatrician supporting her head. She seems so happy and calm right now. I touch her little feet... everything is just so perfect... and she is ours, our little Lila... I don't say much. I don't really know what to say. All I do is stare at the most beautiful miracle I have ever seen...

Luckily the stitching up and recovery part went quick and a nurse takes me back to my room. Sarel is waiting for me. He looks extremely happy, excited and proud, and he brings Lila to me. He gives her to me, and I get a feeling which I have never felt before... 

I feel like a mother... 

I feel like I will do anything in this world for this little bundle of love that I am holding against my chest... 

I feel love like I have never felt before...

This is life. This is the moment you realize you are (very much) alive... 

38 weeks pregnant and now…

...counting the days!!!

But dear family and friends… reality has not struck me yet!!! Is this a problem?

I feel a bad to admit it, but some days (but only some days) I really wish that little Lila would make her appearance now. But I only wish this because of how I feel sometimes. At the same time I’m also extremely grateful of what a great pregnancy I’ve had so far. Nothing really to complain about. Actually, a lot to be grateful for… The fact that Lila is a healthy baby, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, is such a blessing in itself! The only "bad" thing was the few weeks of morning (in my case, "all day") sickness and my low blood pressure. But then again, I’m glad that it was low and not high blood pressure. If I really have to mention anything else it would be my aching hips at night, but really, again, it is not that bad.

I can’t believe that there are only a few days left!!! Flip, am I ready for this? Well, I think I am, a little bit, but I also know that I don't really have a clue of how our life is going to change. But hey, it's how they say… "A change is as good as a holiday!" and I am really looking forward to this change.

Even though this feels like a wonderful dream, I’m so happy that no one can wake me up from is fantastic time in our lives. I am loving every single moment of it and I am so so so incredibly happy!!!

The waiting game...

Even though I am 36 weeks pregnant, the whole idea of a tiny little life inside me still feels very unreal. It feels like I’m back in primary school… playing in my doll house… folding my dolls clothes, making her bed and waiting for my dad to buy the baby doll that I really love -  after all, it is my birthday soon! I feel the urge to phone someone to just kick start this whole process, and as soon as that person gives the "go ahead" I will jump up and down (o crap, I can't jump!!!) of excitement, screaming "Yay, yay, yay, freaken yay"!!! It feels so unreal… Soon I will be holding our little baby girl in my arms… sometime in this month of June… not July, not August… flipping, freaking JUNE!!! It can either be tonight, or tomorrow, or in a week or two… who knows? All I really know, as I sit here typing this post, is that time has NEVER EVER dragged this much!

A lot of things constantly run through my head… When will reality set in? Will it even set in before I give birth? When will my water break? Will it happen at work, or at home? Will it even break? How will my husband react? How will I react? Will I feel emotionally overwhelmed, or will I be calm? I do believe that "porridge brain" doesn't happen because your baby takes up all of your brainpower… No ways, it is because your mind needs to deal with so many extra questions, reactions and emotions – on top of normal life as we know it. Obviously the "filing system" gets a bit muddled up at some stage.

I wonder how many pregnant woman out there agree with me?

So how do I keep myself busy until something exiting happens? Because checking my stomach for stretch marks only keeps me busy for a few minutes… he he…

And finally…

Lila's room… 

Red, blue and white, with a touch of pink… as she is a little girl after all. I preferred to make a few things myself (okay, I will admit that Lila's grandmother had to help here and there) as I can't stand the "catalogue look". I like putting unusual patterns and colors together. And yes, I do believe that red and pink go together! 

I love the end result… Spending time in her rooms makes me feel happy, warm and loved.

Little Lila

The name is of Arabic origin, and the meaning of Lila is  "Night", "Dark Beauty", "Beautiful".
And on a spiritual level it means "Divine Creation".
 
I love short names – it’s not over used and not usual.
 
You also get a beautiful, purple Lila flower…
 
Luckily my husband and I both love this name. We would have had a bit of a problem if he didn't like it as I didn't really have any other name in mind that I liked. And thank goodness for a little girl as we would have had endless problems on settling on a boy name. We have different opinions about male names. My husband feels very strong about family names, and frankly, I hate the whole idea of it. And o my goodness, being Afrikaans doesn't make it any better!!!

Everything related to this name feels very positive and beautiful which leaves me with a big smile…
Now I really can't wait to see our little princess's face!