It’s Monday morning, 25 June 2012. Our alarm just went off. It’s only 5 am. Funny how 5 am doesn't feel early at all today. Normally I would hate it to be awake so early.
It’s difficult to explain how I feel at the moment, but if I have to elaborate, I would say it feels like I had to get up really early to go on a road trip - and I’ve been counting down the days until this morning... the morning my road trip starts...
I can have my last meal or drink just before 6 am, but to be quite honest, food is the last thing on my mind right now. Sarel makes me a cheese and Bovril toasted sandwich, but I have never struggled to get toast down my throat like I do this morning! Luckily the coffee goes down well.
It’s 5:30 am and breakfast is done. 7 am seems so far away! But to start getting ready right now would be really silly. The plan is to leave our house at 9 am.
The night wasn't peaceful at all. I couldn't find a comfortable position and my tummy felt extra big!
It’s 6 am. Sarel went to lie down on the couch in front of the TV to get another few minutes of rest before we have to get up. I’m still in bed and wondering if he is asleep or thinking about the day ahead. I wonder if he is a little nervous. He seems extremely calm! I feel a bit stressed so I get up and take two rescue tablets. Hopefully it will calm my nerves just a little.
Yay! It’s finally 7:30 am and we’re up and getting ready! As I get dressed I realize that this will be my last morning of finding something big enough to fit over my belly. I will miss my bump even though it’s very uncomfortable right now. Should I feel sad or happy!?! I pack the last few things into my hospital bag... Hopefully I remembered everything! Lila's little hospital bag is also packed and ready... Flip, will our baby be wearing her little newborn clothes today? It feels so unreal!
Before we leave our house Sarel and I take a few photos of: 1. Me and our hospital bags, and 2. Sarel with our hospital bags. It feels a bit silly... ha ha... photos with our hospital bags... Strange and funny!!! But we are so excited right now!!!
9 am... Our road trip to Stellenbosch feels extra long today. Although I have been traveling this road every day for the past 3 years, it feels like it’s the first time. My head is buzzing. I struggle to focus on anything specific.
We arrive at the hospital. We sign in and a nurse shows us to my bed. Reality hits and tears roll down my cheeks!!! Everything feels too hectic to handle right now. Sarel holds me and promises that everything will be fine. Again I am reminded of the wonderful husband I have. I pull myself together. I need to be emotionally strong, for myself, and for Sarel as I don't know what is going on in his mind right now. Today, within a few hours, our lives will change and we don't know what to expect.
Again minutes are dragging by and I feel extremely uncomfortable. I feel that the time has come. I am ready. I am ready to meet our baby girl. I get into a hospital gown. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror... Wow, I look MASSIVE!!! A nurse straps a monitor over my belly. The room is very quiet and all we hear is Lila's heart beat. This is so amazing! Her heart beats between 145 and 155 beats per minute. Eventually a nurse takes me to the theatre. 50% of me wants to run away right now, but 50% of me is also extremely excited and super happy!!! Sarel arrives in his own "nurse’s" outfit. I have to laugh... he looks very funny!!!
A few minutes go by before we enter the theatre. Obviously it seems very clinical, but for some reason it has a "warm", calming vibe. The bed is very narrow but quite comfortable. The anaesthesiologist explains the epidural to me. I have to admit, this is the one thing I have been dreading and flipping scared of, but luckily it goes well. I feel so relieved. Within a few minutes we will meet Lila!!!
They play music... Michael Buble... (!!!)... Urgh I don't like his music, but for the first time I really don't care about the music, but The Shins would have been a better choice... for me... he he... And for a few seconds I get flashbacks from scenes from Nip & Tuck, but no, I will not be getting boobs or lipo right now!!!
Dr Fazzler starts cutting. I am a little freaked out as I can feel exactly what he is doing!!! It takes me a few seconds to relax. Luckily I feel no pain. Wow, this is actually wonderful!!! Thank goodness for epidural!!! The anaesthesiologist explains every next move Dr Fazzler makes. I hear "cutting" sounds, but I try not to think too much right now. A c-section is super quick! I feel my body move and shake as they get Lila out, and after a few seconds Dr Fazzler lifts her up from behind my belly. It feels like a dream... or like I am watching a movie, but I am one of the characters, and nothing is "real"... The first thing I see is her extra long fingers! She is crying! I feel overwhelmed!!! I don't know what to do next... Should I touch her? Should I say something? Should I cry? Everything about her is so perfect and I struggle to realize that she is our baby girl, s-h-e i-s o-u-r b-a-b-y g-i-r-l... She is so beautiful!!! And quite big... Bigger than I have imagined she would be. And she has a lot of hair!!! I touch her head... it feels slimy, but I don't care. The pediatrician puts her into a little bath filled with luke warm water. She lies next to me, floating in the water with the pediatrician supporting her head. She seems so happy and calm right now. I touch her little feet... everything is just so perfect... and she is ours, our little Lila... I don't say much. I don't really know what to say. All I do is stare at the most beautiful miracle I have ever seen...
Luckily the stitching up and recovery part went quick and a nurse takes me back to my room. Sarel is waiting for me. He looks extremely happy, excited and proud, and he brings Lila to me. He gives her to me, and I get a feeling which I have never felt before...
I feel like a mother...
I feel like I will do anything in this world for this little bundle of love that I am holding against my chest...
I feel love like I have never felt before...
This is life. This is the moment you realize you are (very much) alive...
